Teens
What does teen dating violence involve? Teen dating violence can involve a pattern of repeated physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse or threats against a member of an unmarried heterosexual or homosexual couple in which one or both partners are between the ages of 13 and 20.
The abuser often isolates the victim or threatens harm if they tell anyone. As a result, many victims believe they are the only one involved with an abuser, while the reality is many individuals are involved with abusers.
All too often the abuser will blame the victim for the abuse, when they are actually responsible for their actions. The guilt placed on the victim is a tremendous burden and is the number one cause for low self-image in dating and domestic violence victims.
If you are touched in a way that feels scary to you, then it is abuse. If you are touched in a way that feels uncomfortable to you, then it’s abuse. If you are touched in a way that feels bad to you, then it’s abuse.
Myth: It can’t happen to me.
Fact: More than one in ten teens experience physical violence in their dating relationships.
Myth: Jealousy and possessiveness are signs of love.
Fact: Jealousy and possessiveness are two of the most common warning signs of abuse.
Myth: Women, men and children who are raped by someone they know deserve what happens to them.
Fact: Rape is a crime. No means no. Nothing in a victim’s appearance, attitude or actions justifies forced sexual contact on an individual.
Myth: A boyfriend or girlfriend who physically, sexually or emotionally abuses their partner usually just wants sex and probably will never abuse their mate again.
Fact: The primary motives for violence and rape are power, control and anger. It’s not about love or a need for sex.
Myth: Teen dating violence usually isn’t serious.
Fact: About 30 percent of all women who are murdered in this country are killed by their husband or boyfriend. Some studies suggest that same high percentage applies to teen women, ages 15-19, as well.
• Approximately 1 in 5 high school girls reports being abused by a boyfriend.
• Young women, age 16-24 experience the highest rates of relationship violence.
• Date rape accounts for almost 70% of sexual assaults reported by adolescent women, 38% of those women are between 14 and 17 years old.
Warning Signs
Are you going out with someone who……
• Is jealous and possessive toward you, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up.
• Tries to control you by being bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions and/or doesn’t take your opinions and feelings seriously.
• Is scary. You worry about how he/she will react to things you say or do. Threatens you and uses or threatens using weapons against you.
• Is violent. Your boyfriend/girlfriend has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly and/or brags about mistreating others.
• Pressures you about sex. Thinks women or girls are sex objects. Attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you by saying: “If you really loved me, you would…” Gets too serious about the relationship too fast.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs and pressures you to take them.
• Blames you when he or she mistreats you. Says you provoked him/her, pressed his/her buttons, made him/her do it, lead him/her on.
• Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems.
• Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety.
How Can I Prevent Violence In My Relationship?
• Be aware of your surroundings and try to make that you and your friends do not get into difficult situations.
• Be clear, honest, and open with your partner. Make sure they understand your limits and agree to respect your decisions.
• Talk with your friends about dating violence. Help educate each other.
• LISTEN. If anyone tells you they have been a victim of dating violence, believe them. Be there to help, not hurt.
• Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is and you can remove yourself from the danger.
• Know that you don’t “owe” someone anything just because you went on a date.
• Don’t let alcohol or drugs make your decisions for you. Your ability to make decisions is significantly altered while under the influence.
• Don’t take a drink from a stranger and never leave a drink unattended.
Drugs and Violence
Many violent situations begin with drugs and/or alcohol. If you always keep the following reminders in your head you could possibly reduce your chances of becoming a victim. Always keep your beverage in site, only accept drinks from the bartender, and never accept open containers from others.
Date rape drugs are used to sedate victims, in order, to sexually assault them. Date rape drugs are very dangerous especially when combined with alcohol. Three common date rape drugs: Rohypnol, GHB, and Ketamin. All of which are odorless and colorless. Therefore they are not easily detectable by the victim. The side effects of these drugs can cause unconsciousness and amnesia.
Bullying
Bullying is any abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. Students who participate in bullying have a need to feel powerful and in control. Most bullies get satisfaction out of harming and making others suffer. Bullies often come from homes where they themselves experience physical punishment.
Boys bully using physical aspects or threats, whereas girls tend to bully verbally. Bullying is a common experience for children and teens. Although physical assaults seem to decrease with age, verbal abuse remains constant throughout the years of school.
Examples of Bullying
• Physical or mental intimidation
• Hitting, kicking or assaulting with a weapon
• Teasing, name-calling, racist remarks, spreading rumors, making threats
Healthy verses Unhealthy
Healthy relationships are a crucial part of an adolescent’s development. As they mature and grow they become very reliant on peers for friendship, intimacy and validation.
Healthy
• Non-threatening behavior: Talking and acting to make partner feel safe in expressing oneself. Commitment not to use threats, manipulation
• Honesty & Accountability: Accepting responsibility for self. Acknowledging if there has been past use of violence.
• Unconditional support: Encouraging one another’s goals. Allowing for different feelings, friend’s, activities, and opinions. Shedding any jealousy or envy.
• Independence and Autonomy: Allowing for separate interests, friends, activities. Allowing for individual identities.
• Respect: Listening without judgement. Being emotionally affirming and understanding. Valuing partner’s decisions.
• Shared Responsibility: Mutually agreeing on fair distribution of work. Making decisions together.
• Negotiating Fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict. Accepting change. Compromising.
• Communication: Sharing openly, freely, truthfully.
Unhealthy
• Peer Pressure: Threats to spread rumors, expose weaknesses, tell lies.
• Isolation/Exclusion: Uses jealousy to keep a person close. Guides dress, hair and other looks.
• Minimize, Deny, Blame: Make ”light” of abuse, saying it didn’t happen, blame someone or something for causing abuse.
• Using Social Status: Treats date like a servant, makes decisions, dictates activities.
• Intimidation: Using gestures, eye contact, to cause fear. Destroy property, abuse pets, display weapons.
• Sexual Coercion: Manipulating or making threats to get sex. Not using a condom. Taking advantage of alcohol or drugs to get sex.
• Threats to hurt someone; take or damage something; commit suicide; tell something important to someone (family or police)
• Anger/Emotional Abuse: Put-downs, name calling, making fun, humiliating, inflicting guilt.
How to help a friend
1. Believe them.
2. Listen.
3. Comfort them.
4. Reinforce that the abuse was not their fault.
5. Suggest calling a crisis center.
6. Encourage them to preserve any evidence.
7. Help them organize their thoughts but let them make decisions about how to proceed.
8. Be available.
9. Learn about the effects of abuse on a victim.
10. Get help for yourself.
Welcome
We are here to help abused women, their children, teens and men break the cycle of violence in their lives by offering safe, confidential shelter and services.
Contact
If you need assistance or would like to donate, please contact us by telephone or use the PayPal link below:
The Cumbee Center
(803) 649-0480